czolgosz

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I just feel like it.
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Did a little ink drawing. Shockingly enough, I actually like this one. I don't think that I ever have really liked anything that I have made for more than 10 minutes after completion. It also set a record for shortest time spent working; an hour and half.

I've been watching a lot of movies as well, A Brave One, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Candy, La Vie en Rose, and Becoming Jane; since Saturday. I have two more to watch tomorrow and 3 more by Friday.

I have realized that I should not have anytime alone to think. Therefore, I have organized all of my time into reading, drawing, watching movies, and High Focus. I think that I'll do better this way. If I have no time to dwell, I won't get so many panic attacks and bad thoughts.  Although, I have had a few bouts of agoraphobia, I think that this system will work quite well. Eventually, I will allow myself more time to just daydream, but not in the excessive amounts that I was before.

Family session with my grandparents which went relatively well. 

My grandparents and I get along fine, that wasn't the problem. It was the therapist who got on my nerves. She kept trying to insinuate that I was lying and bringing up private things that I said in therapy that I thought were supposed to be confidential. I really had to fight back the urge to throw something at her... there was a tissue box right next to me that I was eyeing should she get to obnoxious. She also acted like I was still taking drugs, which I am not and haven't been for over 3 months, except for the shit that they prescribe me! 

"Julia had Xanex come up in her drug screen" 
Well, no kidding, the doctor prescribed it to me!

Then, I got home and my mom called and started in with how they repainted my room... "such a lovely pink, oh you'll just love it, Julia."

I got mad and told her that it's not my room anymore, so why don't they just turn it into an office or something. Somehow she couldn't understand how I could be mad at the fact that they shipped me off to another state, packed all of my stuff into boxes and repainted my room. She kept telling me that it was a good thing because then I would have "more cheerful place."  Apparently now she has taken all my stuff out of storage and rearranged it, discarding what she deemed "depressing." 

Oh, of course, I should just be overjoyed!

And, anyway my room wasn't even depressing in the first place. It had light blue walls, purple and green sheer curtains, with flowers. Blue bedspread also flowered, a desk, several bookcases; full books and various odds and ends, my collections of sea shells and rocks, and small figurines.  I had one wall completely covered in collage, and the other walls were hung with paintings and photographs done by friends and relatives and random posters and mobile hanging from the ceiling.  Yes, the room was cluttered, but that's the way i liked it. The clutter was comforting.

Then I watched Lust, Caution and La Vie En Rose. Lust, Caution was really good and La Vie En Rose was ok, but nothing spectaular.

Also, I got all excited because I looked in the Times today and saw that the Super Furry Animals were playing Sunday and Monday at the Bowery Ballroom. Then i looked on the website and found out that both shows are sold out. I am going to see Morcheeba on March 26, though, so that should be a lot of un.

 

It just hit me.
I will never walk home from the bus stop barefoot because I like the feeling of sun-warmed pavement. 
I will never sleep in my old bed or take showers in that familiar bathroom.
I will never look out my window at the bamboo and I will never sneak out that window at night.
The blue walls are now pink, my collage wall peeled down.
No more mobile and little figurines on cluttered shelves.
The cat won't wake me up at night by ripping up paper.
I won't trip over the coffee table everytime I get up at night for a glass of water.
My brother won't bang on the wall when I play my music too loud.
No more lying on the floor and painting.
The lamp above my bed that I always bump my head on is gone.
I can't just go into my sister's room when I need to talk.
My dad won't be awake all night on the computer in the living room.
My mom won't be asleep with the light on and the book still in her hands.
Everything is in boxes, labeled, waiting for me to take them away.
Julia's Clothes
Julia's Books
Julia's Old Toys
I am erased from that house.
I can never live there again.
Now where do I go?

Slept in.
Went to high focus.
Watched The Woman in the Window with my grandpa.

I don't know.
Just kind of depressed and lonely.
Shitty weekend.

Weird movie.
I can't even really tell if I liked it or not.

I think that my creative writing days are over. It all just seems forced. Even art, lately. 

I am not sure about all of these mood stabilizers. I'm basically happy and I don't get panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and random crying spells anymore; but I don't really get any extreme emotions one way or another. It's weird, I feel them lurking just under the veneer, but they don't surface. It's just this tightening in my chest and that odd feeling that comes when you are just about to start crying, but don't.

I don't know. They say that I look a lot better and more animated, stable, etc... 
But the doses just keep going up. I guess I am used to the mood swings, maybe I will get used to this, eventually.

It's the lesser of two evils, I suppose...

Went to the city today with my Grandpa to visit my Aunt Tamara and help with the baby. 

Luna is crawling now and getting into everything. I followed her around for most of the day removing hazards. I never realized  how dangerous everything is. A baby can pretty much turn everything fatal.

Then I fell asleep on the couch, ordered in Indian food, and came home.



 

I had a really nice day today.

Yeah, High Focus is what I expected, but it's nice to have a structured activity every day with kids my own age. They said that I don't have to go to the school part in the morning because it is just a place where the other kids do their homework for 2 hours. I've just been sitting in there and reading, drawing, or writing. I think that I am still going to go early anyway, though. It's nice and quiet and it forces me to focus rather than give way to distraction while I am trying to work. Also, I talk to the teachers when they don't have to help the other kids. Heh, it makes me get up early too.

Today, I had an interesting discussion with a teacher about the difference between invention and discovery. He asked me for a working definition of each. I said that an invention was something that was man-made and did not already exist in nature and that a discovery was something that was created by a man-made process and did not exist before humans. Then, we talked about how things could be a combination of discovery and invention. I presented the question of whether thought was an invention or discovery. We discussed different kinds of thought. I said that absract thought was a human invention. He asked whether or not thought would exist if there was nothing sentient in the universe. I said no. He said that in some schools of philosophy, it is believed that thought exists in nature and that it basically floats around in space passing between us, which is how two people can have the same thought. We just kind of agreed that it is impossible to prove one way or the other and then I had to go to group therapy thus ending our discussion.

Right now, I am reading a book of 40 short stories by Chekhov. He has such a wonderfully dark sense of humor and seems to hate almost everyone so most of the stories are ironic or satirical. I love them. They are hilarious and remind me of Dostoyevsky. 

I have also been writing random bits of poetry. I will probably try to combine them into one finished poem. No drawing lately, except for little sketches of the other kids in the group when they aren't paying attention.

I've been listening to a lot of Milburn, lately. Very good band, I highly recomend them.

That's pretty much it.

 Exactly what I expected.

A couple of nights ago, I asked him to describe me in one word and he said 'reckless.'

For some reason that makes me very happy, although I don't think it was intended as compliement.

Aside from all of the annoying stuff last night I had a really nice dream.

It was just about me and my sister playing like we did when we were little.  I'm not really sure whether it was actually a dream or just a memory that I accessed in my sleep.  

Anyway, it just made me want to play again.  Maybe I actually will today. I still have a lot of my old toys that I couldn't bear to give away.  I used to play by myself after my sister got too old to be interested(even though I am the older sister). 

So what if I am 18 in a month? I am going to go into my room and play with my toy animals!

Last night, I was very angry and bitter about taking my pills.  I got into a big fight with my grandmother after I took them because of my 'bad attitude.'  I was pissed and went in my room where I started to cry out of frustration. 

Then, the pills started kicking in.

All of my anger started to dissipate. It all just left me and I still knew the reasons why I should be mad, but I wasn't. I didn't want it to, I was still upset. But I couldn't be.  All of my rage and sadness just left and I was just empty.

Sickeningly content.
It would have been scary If I could have been scared.

It was the worst feeling(or lack thereof) in the world because I wanted to feel but couldn't.
I had never taken them when I was angry before so it was a kind of wake-up call.

I guess I just never realized what they did.

I am sick of these fucking pills. 

I have to take them at a certain time. It's what is best for all of us. He has been working with medication for far longer than I have been alive. I hear it again and I swear to god I will fucking strangle him.

Every time I get creative or start to feel at all inspired, time for meds! 
Well, I am done.

And god forbid that I protest at all.
"Don't you speak to me in that manner, your grandmother and I don't ask much from you except that you take your pills and act properly."

Guess what?
I am the one who voluntarily started the meds out of fucking desperation.  
I am supposed to be the one in control. 
Just because I am not legally an adult, they think that they can put one over on me.
Sorry, not going to work. 
I mean really, you should know me better than that Grandpa.
If complete subordination is what is expected of me for their hospitality, then I will find another place to live.
 
It's not as if they aren't getting anything out of this. My parents are paying for all my expenses and a little extra too. They get me out of their hair and my grandparents get a babysitter for my little cousins and a quiet little housekeeper who tries her hardest not to intrude.  

I even put on a great little charade for my mother when she visited.
"Oh, of couse, everything's fine now. I am working to get better, Mom, don't worry." 
Go back to Florida, pretend that your're happy. 
Just put everything out of your blissfully idiotic little head. 

It's great to forget. Forget the violence. Forget the insecurity. Forget the drinking. Forget the drugs. Forget the cheating and the lying. Forget the sobbing across dingy diner tables while the kids huddle across from you because we were all too scared to go home. Forget all of the glasses of wine. Forget telephones and broken necklaces. No more concrete. No more choking. No more self-prescibed anti-depressants. 
No more eldest daughter, you have such a lovely extra one. 
An heir and a spare. 
Well, the spare has taken over now, god help her. 
Good luck, Arielle, the job looks great in writing; in actuality, not so fucking much. 

Why is it that after recieving praise for something; I never feel like doing it again?


 

First off, 'fuck you' to Justin who was teasing me about only having 1 friend on this thing. <3

My name is Julia,
pretty much....
I am a 17 year-old, pink-haired, dropout artist chick with issues. 
I know, cliche, right? ; ]

So yeah...
Communicate.

Also, I waste a lot of time on myspace, so if you have one, mine is http://www.myspace.com/concreteteddybear

Last night was really fun. 

I went out to dinner with my mom and aunt, then to a play by Bernard Shaw called the The Devil's Diciple.  The play was very good and I got along with my mother.  Then I got really inspired and started another little picture book. 

Today, not so great. Therapy with my mother, self-explainitory. Pretty much...yeah... 

Freaked out with another really bad panic attack.  I was screaming and crying and in a blind rage, so they escorted my mom out of the room. Then, the doctor was asking me if I could calm down or did I need to be hospitalized. I ended up, crawling into a corner, curling up, and blubbering incoherently. 

Fun stuff.

I'm no Barbie jane
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed

So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me

You're not some little boy
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules
Well I'm sick of all your lies
Now I've held back a wealth of shit but
I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows
With the words stuck in my throat
Does it really come as a surprise
now I tell you I don't feel good
That nothing ever came from nothing, man
Oh, man, ain't that the truth

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me

I get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it
Do it again

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof
But I think that I'm right

You still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad
Most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it again
Get back up and I do it
Do it again
Do it again
Do it again
Do it again

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me

Why do you love me
Why do you love me



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Except for the part about the sleeping with a friend of mine part... 
Unless you and Carl have a secret......